I know I have a whole year left, but it hasn’t hit me that I’ll be graduating next year. It just seems too unreal. Applying to colleges, leaving home, starting off in a new place again. Now that it’s creeping up slowly behind me, I don’t know how I’ll leave home. Home is where everything is, it’s where my family is. I know for sure I’ll be home sick for a while, missing every single one of my siblings, no matter how irritating they get. I’m really going to miss my family here. I don’t know what got me on this topic, but I know that I need to start taking things more seriously. I have one more year left of high school. One. That’s insane. I remember thinking back to my freshman year hoping senior year would come quick, and now that I’m halfway done with my junior year, I wish I was a freshmen again, not having to worry so much about the next part of my life. But I have a year to make the best out of everything.  

How could I be so stupid? Why did I make myself look so pathetic? For you anyways? I guess that’s what you do when you truly love someone. Yeah, I loved you at one point in life. Do I regret it? Honestly, I don’t. All the bullshit you put me through, I wonder why I stuck around so long. You knew it and I knew that we could never go back to how things were before. But yet, I still told myself to try because I thought I could change your mind. I wasted so much time on you. But I don’t regret anything though. This is the first in months that I’ve vented about you. I never actually got the change to get everything out in the open. But here I go. I’m glad we never got together or that things never worked out between us. The only thing I actually regret is ruining a perfectly good friendship because I really cherished our friendship. But hey, you win some, you lose some. And then you move on with your life. I doubt we’re actually friends anymore, we’re more like people who know each other and say hi once in a while. It’s crazy though, I used to think I’d never get over you. Wow was I stupid. I don’t wanna sit here and talk all the bad about you cause I won’t. But I’d like to thank you because if it wasn’t for you, I’d never be in the relationship I’m in right now. I remember I was too scared to even be in a relationship with him before because of everything that happened with you. Thinking that I’d just be hurt again but I’m so glad I took a chance on him. I love my boyfriend and I wouldn’t change a thing about him. I’m done talking about you and blaming you. I just had to get that out in the open. I hope in the future, we’ll be friends once again before all the feelings came rushing in. Until then, you’re just another face in the crowd with the rest of the people I left long ago.  

I told myself I’d never talk about you again on here, but I realized that everything I went through with you has made me who I am today. All those nights staying up late thinking “What did I do wrong this time? Why aren’t I good enough?” Such a bad point in my life. I honestly hate reflecting on the past but it has taught me so much. Because of you and everything that happened in the previous years, I’ve become a person I actually like. I’m saying this now, I didn’t like who I was before. Everything that happened has changed me so much, hopefully for the better. If you had asked me a year ago, I’d say I’d changed everything in a heart beat. But everything is finally going well for me. And if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. 

So the year is almost over. I’m writing this now because I won’t have time in the next few days. So let’s reflect back on the year shall we? I’m not gonna lie now, every year, I was one of those who said “New year, new me”. Hahaha not even gonna lie because I wanted that. Every single year, it’s the same routine. But this year was a pretty good one to be honest with you. Things were actually turning around for me, a few bumps here and there, but it was a pretty good year. It took me a while to get my priorities together but once I did, I knew what I wanted. I got over this guy I thought I’d never get over, how pathetic right? I didn’t play basketball this year and honestly, I’m glad I didn’t. It gave me so much time to myself and to think about things. But I do miss it from time to time not going to lie there. Mhm, what else. I got kind of lazy this year too. I need to get that habit out, hopefully next year, haha. I got close to some pretty cool people this year too. I didn’t mind that. My family is doing some what better, even with everything going on. Better than the previous years anyways. I accomplished a lot of things this year like finally getting my license. It’s so handy to have. I think this year I got super close to my family like I never did before. I’m really close to my sister now and my parents trust me enough to let me go out whenver I want. I met a guy who I’ve known since elementary school but never acknowledge until this year when we went to our old school’s carnival. It’s pretty crazy how things work out sometimes. There was so many things that happened this year that I can’t remember most of them at this moment. All I’m saying is that I hope 2012 is just as good or maybe even better than 2011. Okay that’s all. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Hope everyone has a safe Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!  

It makes me think a lot you know, those what if’s. Those what if’s either killed me or saved my life. Sometimes I wish I could see what would happen if I chose the other option instead. Like what if I never moved down here, how different would I be? I remember thinking what if all the time. What if this, what if I made this choice instead of this one. All these what if’s, they’re crazy to think about. I try not to think about it though because it makes me regret many things I wish I could have done or should have done. 

Is it bad to say that I don’t think about forever with you? Or that I don’t believe that we might not make it as long as I hope we would? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy with you and I like being with you, but to think about forever with you right now, when I honestly don’t even know what I want to do with my life, or what school to go to after high school, or even what I’m doing for next summer. I try not to think of forever just so my hopes don’t get disappointed or heart broken. You even said so yourself though, “When I’m older and I look back, I’ll always remember you. And it makes me feel all weird to know that this could end at any moment.” I’m just being realistic really. I’m in a relationship with you and I love it, but I can’t promise you that we’ll always be together like other couples who have that kind of relationship. All we can really do is live in the moment because I don’t want to make any promises I know I won’t be able to keep in the end, no forevers, just now. And if we do end up being together for a while, and then great, because you make me happy. That’s all I can really say to you.   

People talk about “Oh, asking girls/boys to homecoming is so common and unoriginal now.” It’s not even that reason. Who cares if it’s been done before? Who cares if it’s “unoriginal?” Or who cares if it’s not “the best”. It’s just the thought that counts. The fact that that person took all their time to plan something special for someone they really care for/like. Yeah, it’s been done before. But there’s no rule that says it can’t be done again.

Let me take some time to talk about basketball. I’ve been playing basketball for what, 5 years? This year might be my 6th, might. All those years I’ve really enjoyed playing basketball. Just the thrill of being on the court, coming to practice, breaking a sweat, learning new moves, all that. But lately, I’ve been thinking if I really want to do basketball this year or just take a break from it all. Ever since summer ball, my joy for it was slowing fading away. Don’t get me wrong, I love playing basketball. But for the school? Who knows. I think I just need to take a break. But once I tell people I might not be playing this year, they tell me I need to because I’m too good and I shouldn’t give it up. But who ever said about giving it up? I think I just need a break from it all, just focus on my studies for now since in a year, I’ll be a Senior. I think this thought came up once I found out my original coaches were leaving the program, every single one of them. I don’t even know if they realized what they were doing to half the players who has been with them since day 1. It really killed me to know that the coaches who basically help me get to the point of where I am today weren’t going to be there to see me finish off with all the skills and techniques they’ve taught me in those 2 years. I remember going into summer ball thinking “I can’t wait for Varsity year.” Once I was there, I didn’t even get playing time at all, I was out of it most of the time at practice, I got lazy, I wasn’t motivated. I dreaded going to practice every single day and that’s not how I felt before. I actually enjoyed going. But ever since summer ball came up, things have changed. I’ve changed and my view on the sport. I’ve talked to many people about what I should do and got their input. It was pretty difficult to decide on what to do when they were telling me I was good and that I should just keep up and play for the school. I was hoping for some negativity at the most, but no. Conditioning and open gym have been opened for at least 2 weeks now, and I haven’t been to none of them since. It’s horrible. I want to go, but then I think about the people there too. They’re part of how I feel about the sport now. They sometimes make me not want to go play for the school and even play at all because of their negativity and arrogance. I know I shouldn’t let it bother me, but playing with them for so long gets under your skin for a while. I absolutely love playing basketball, but maybe my passion to play for the school is slowing dying. I might play for a league outside of school, maybe if I can honestly afford it. I don’t want to disappoint my family either. They’ve been there for me since the first day I decided to play. And even though they weren’t always supportive of me, they did let me play anyways and pay all the expenses. And I’m pretty sure from all those years, I’ve spent about 1,000 or so on just the gear, shoes, and spirit packs. I don’t want them thinking I did basketball for so long, to just quit now. But I’m not quitting, but of course, they won’t understand that. It really does kill me to say that I might not be playing this year because basketball is part of my identity. That’s all people know me about, they know how much I love it. But what happens once I give it up for a while? Who do I become then? This is probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. And it’s tearing me apart. If you’re reading this and made it to this point, I’m sorry for the rant. If you have any input or advice for me, feel free to ask me on anon or whatever. Much appreciated. Okay bye, thanks for reading if you really did read this. 

I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t want you thinking it was all a waste. I don’t want you thinking I never appreciated anything. I do, but sometimes, things get to the point where you just need a break from it all. 

Who would have known here and now, that my thoughts about the one thing I truly love is slowly fading away, to the point where, I don’t even know if I honestly want to do it anymore. I’ve talked to many people about what I should do, and they all give me good reasons. But what do I want? I don’t know what I want. I love being on the court just doing what I love. But what happens when you have second thoughts about it? Wondering if you should really do it this year or if taking a break is a good thing. I’ve been playing basketball for so long, and to just take a break from it now, feels so weird and different. But I feel like, if I don’t take a break from it now, I will hate it forever. Basketball has been one of my biggest stress relievers and it probably always will be. But sometimes, it gives me stress itself. When I tell people that I might not do basketball this year, they give me this shocked face and ask “Why?” But how exactly do I answer that when I have no clue what the answer is myself?