Sometimes there are those nights that are unexplainable. The nights that make you over analyze everything that is going good in your life that make you wake up the next day feeling so ashamed of yourself. The times where you feel sad as ever but yet, you have no idea why exactly. The thoughts that make you ruin potentially something great that you know you deserve but yet you still decide to sabotage it. Those nights that get you all jumbled in the head and make you second guess if it really meant that much to you. The nights that bring things up from the past which you thought you left long ago, but then you ask yourself, was I actually over it if I’m still thinking about it now? These nights make you crazy. These nights make you want to tell yourself to shut up and just go to sleep. But why do you have these thought; What exactly does it mean? And the list of questions continue.
Nights like these, I hate these nights. I hate those nights where I stay up for no apparent reason, wondering things that only cross my mind because they love messing with my head. I hate those nights where I feel so lonely and vulnerable. Nights like these kill me inside.
I rather not make promises I know I can’t keep with you. I don’t want to make things I know I won’t have control of. Don’t ask me about forever. Don’t ask me about the future. Don’t ask me about anything that I know could be a possible heartbreak. It’s not that I don’t believe in us, I do. And if we make it into the future together, then great. I’m glad I believed in us from the start. But what if we don’t make it into the future? What if we aren’t together for as long as we both hoped for? Does that make me a bad person to think that maybe, just maybe, our paths aren’t meant to be as we hoped? I have no clue. Maybe I’m a bad person, maybe I’m just being real with the situation. Promises are never forgotten, I still remember the broken promises that were never committed to me. So don’t ask me about forever because there is no such word to me.
I try to not bring up the past, or what happened in the past, or how I was in the past. But either way, I end up going back, going back to the memories that haunted me, the memories that made me cry, the memories that I wish I had back. Yeah, the past was a pretty memorable experience. Because everything that I am now was because of the mistakes I learned from then. It’s funny that I’m talking once again about the past. I tend to reminisce a lot, bare with me. I promise it’ll be worth it all in the end.
Isn’t it a shame that you don’t realize what exactly you have until it’s gone from you? I don’t know why this happens, I don’t know why I can’t appreciate what I have right in front of me, I don’t know why I can’t appreciate something until it’s gone from my hands.
I remember coming on here every single night wondering what I did wrong, what did I do to deserve this pain, how do I express my feelings to a computer? Man, those were some tough nights. I’ll admit, looking back now, they were itty bitty problems that I made into big problems. It actually made me look pretty pathetic. I’m really ashamed of how I acted and I’m always embarrassed to go back into my old posts and read about what I was going through. I remember thinking no one would ever want me or how I would never find someone again. Wow was I an emotional train wreck. It makes me feel pretty good looking back now though. How I learned from those mistakes, how it actually made me into the person I am today, how it got me out of my comfort zone and how it encouraged me to try new things. If it weren’t for things that happened in the past, then I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I can honestly thank my past for all it has done for me because everything that happened then made me realize what I need to do now. I remember feeling out of place, like I didn’t have a role. I don’t feel like that anymore. I have big things coming up for me next year and I’m pretty excited, it’ll be a lot of work, but I know I can do it. I don’t want to go back to being that love sick girl who felt bad for herself. I refuse to go back to feeling like I was never good enough like no one would ever like me. And if I ever do go back to that point in my life, then I pray that I’ll get through it once again. If you fall down seven times, stand up eight.
I’m getting to the point where I don’t wanna deal with anything anymore. I’m at that point where I don’t care about what happens. I was at this point once, and it was something I regret. So that’s why I don’t wanna quit on us, on everything that we’ve been through. As much as I want to say it’s over, I don’t. I don’t want to look back and realize that I made a big mistake. I don’t want to look back and realize that I should have tried harder. I don’t wanna have any regrets. I won’t lie, I’ve thought about breaking up once or twice before, but never told you. I never brought it up because I knew we’d get through it one way or another like we always have. But this time…this time it’s different. We’re both getting to the point where we can’t go a week without arguing about something that really wasn’t worth arguing about. I don’t wanna lose faith in this relationship, but it’s getting to the point where I think we both can’t handle it anymore…or should I say me. I don’t wanna quit on us, but what happens when you’re at the point where you just can’t handle it anymore?
Nights like these scare me. With the music blasted, thoughts running through my head, and I’m wide awake wondering how exactly do I go about it. I haven’t had one of these nights in a while. I can honestly say, I don’t miss it. I don’t miss the endless thoughts running around in circles through my mind, beclouding absolutely everything I do. I don’t miss the crazy accusations that come about. I don’t miss the things that could potentially ruin everything that I’ve been working for. I don’t miss anything about these nights.
I know I may not be the best girlfriend, I know I may take things a little too seriously sometimes, and I know it often seems as if I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry that it may seem like that. I’ve just come a long way from the point where I was before, to the person I am now and I really do not want to go back to that place ever again. I wish there was an easier way to explain why I’ve been acting like this without bringing things back from the past up. I just…I just don’t want to give my whole heart to you, have it broken, and spend numerous months wasted away trying to mend it all back together. It is such a sappy thing to say, but hey, it’s the truth. This is why I like doing things by myself a lot. It may sound bad at how I’m acting and yeah, I’m closed up, I’ll admit it. I’m scared to get hurt. Yeah, things in the past have made me come to the point where I’ll just give you some of me, but not all of me. Because if I give you all of me, I’d lose absolutely everything that I gave to you. Cliche line*. I don’t know how to explain it to you honestly. We’re getting so much closer, that feelings get stronger which scares me so much. I know that we’re in a relationship and that I shouldn’t be afraid to show you how I truly feel, but it is such a complicated thing to explain to the point where I don’t even understand myself. I do love you and I want to see us together in the future, but it is so hard for me to show you these feelings without knowing that there is a possibility that they may not even be a future. I guess the only thing I can really do is know that you’re understanding and that you have a right to know all of this.